The Story: Miss Pettigrew is an ordinary teacher in an ordinary school. She is dreading the imminent arrival of the school inspector. Mr Slake is a tough PE teacher who runs a boxing club. Sam, the school caretaker and Doris the cleaner are in love. Doris thinks it's about time he proposed to her. Brian is the school bully, with a reputation to keep up. Tommy is a naughty school boy who hates school. Bill and Jill are brother and sister and are unpleasant to each other. One night, after they are fighting, Bill's tooth is knocked out. Tanya the tooth fairy visits the house. However, because Bill and Jill do not believe in fairies, the wicked witch takes control and orders that all birthdays are cancelled this year. She arranges for two burglars to steal all the birthday presents downstairs. But luckily Tanya regains her magic and the children's toys come alive to thwart the burglars. A policeman is at hand to escort the burglars away. But the story isn't over yet. The witch re-appears and steals Tanya's magic ring. Without it, Tanya is powerless, just an ordinary girl. The witch thinks it will be fun to send Tanya to school! So, the next day, Tanya finds herself in school. There is a boxing match, in which Slimbo unexpectedly but triumphantly defeats Brian the school bully. The school inspector is impressed by Tanya's mathematical skills, and even more impressed by Miss Pettigrew who turns out to be his long lost lover. And of course, Doris and Sam end up making their marriage vows! Absolute hokum? Yes! Do the children and audience love it? YES!!!!!
Sample of the script:
Scene 1: A Schoolroom. Bill, Jill, Slimbo, Tommy, Brian and other children, sitting on the floor, being taught by Miss Pettigrew at front of class. Tommy has a maths exercise book.
Narrator 1: Our story begins in an ordinary school, just like yours. This is Miss Pettigrew, the teacher. She's not too bad, considering the nasty class of children she has to cope with every day.
Miss Pettigrew: Right class, remember I told you the school inspector was coming to see us tomorrow. Let's see what you have learned this week. Now, Bill, can you tell me the answer to this question. If I had 15 apples in one hand, and 15 apples in the other, what would I have?
Tommy: Big hands, miss! (Class laugh)
Miss Pettigrew: Don't fool about! Come on, everyone. What's 15 add 15? (Slimbo raises hand and answers)
Slimbo: Thirty, Miss Pettigrew. (Brian mocks him for supplying the correct answer)
Miss Pettigrew: Very good! Now, class, next question......
Brian: (interrupting) Miss........I don't like Mr Slake. He punished me for something I didn't do!
Miss Pettigrew: Punished you for something you didn't do? Oh dear, surely not?
Brian: Yeh. I didn't do my homework! (Class laugh. Brian starts jostling Slimbo, calling him a wimp etc.)
Miss Pettigrew: Stop it Brian, and behave. You have been bullying children all day.
(Class uproar)
Jill Yes, miss, he stole my lunch box!
Brian: No I didn't! You gave me it!
Tommy: I hate school. Everybody's always fighting! Miss, why do we have to come to school?
Miss Pettigrew: Because its the law, that's why. Why don't you like school, Tommy?
Tommy: Because all the teachers are horrible.
Miss Pettigrew: I'm not horrible, am I?
Tommy: I suppose not. You must like me. But I wish you wouldn't keep putting kisses in my maths book.
Jill:(snatching book) Kisses? Hah! They're not kisses you numbskull! They are crosses. You got all your sums wrong again!
(Class chant...."He got all his sums wrong, he got all his sums wrong........)
Tommy (to audience) It's true. I do get all my sums wrong! I hate school! (to audience)Do you hate school too? I bet you don't hate school as much as me.
**************** SONG: Do you hate school as much as me? ****************
(ENTER MR SLAKE, CLASS GOES SILENT AND SITS)
Mr Slake: What a noisy class! I know what you all need. You need some good old-fashioned physical exercise to get rid of your energy!
Brian (with actions) I joined your school boxing club sir. What more do you want, sir?
Mr Slake: Good manners, boy! Good manners! Well, class, I think a few more of you should join my boxing club. (to Slimbo) How about you, lad? Can you box? Do you want to learn?
Slimbo: My dad said I should try it, sir, but I don't think so, thank you!
Mr Slake: Nonsense! I insist! You will join my boxing club.(To class) I expect to see you all there tomorrow!! Do you understand?
Class: (sheepishly) Yes, sir. (EXIT MR SLAKE)
Brian: Hah! That's going to be fun. (to Slimbo) I'm going to mash you into the ground you little shrimp! Hah hah hah (to audience) And you lot better be careful. I'm big and beefy and brave and bold, I am! Just call me "The Rock" from now on. Hahahahah.
***************SONG: BRIAN O'MALLY************************
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